Compassion for Men is as Challenging as it is Crucial
Which is why other men need to step up and offer it
If the phrase compassion for men troubles you, know that it’s the only viable path forward. To be clear, other men need to step up and offer this compassion to men. Women cannot be expected to do so. Some will, but the expectation needs to be on men. Additionally, any compassion offered to boys and men must include accountability for our actions or it becomes something entirely negative, fostering entitlement. That said, accountability without compassion is hugely problematic and likely to fail.
We hear that these times are difficult for men. This is because men who rely on retrogressive Man Box (patriarchal) markers of male status require women as second class citizens in order for those status markers to operate successfully. Women aren’t accepting second class status, so for those men, these times are difficult. For the women and girls whose lives they impact, it is catastrophic.
So please understand, my call for compassion isn’t requested for men who insist on reinforcing and weaponizing retrogressive masculine beliefs. They can access compassion by ending such behavior. Where do such men get these harmful ideas? Man Box Culture.
The rules of the Act Like a Man Box, first conceptualized in the early 1980’s by Paul Kivel and later brought mainstream as the Man Box by Tony Porter of A Call to Men, include:
- Be a breadwinner not a caregiver
- Don’t show your emotions
- Be tough, don’t ask for help
- Never talk with other men about anything deep
- Be heterosexual not homosexual
- Have control over women and girls
Training boys into the Man Box begins early. Judy Chu studied a Pre-K class for two years. Facing cultural messages about masculinity, the four-year-old boys in Chu’s study were already hiding their emotional acuity and taking on the stoic performance of masculinity our culture enforces on them.
Little boys are taking on the rules of our Man Box culture, rules which suppress expression and connection in hopes of being allowed into the boys’ club, of having belonging, friendship. It is a bait and switch of the worst kind.
The result by late adolescence is loneliness, born out of the bullying narrow confines of the Man Box, forcing us to hide our authentic selves in a culture that does not give a damn about who we authentically are. We can activate our compassion for men when we acknowledge the trauma and isolation young boys experience as they are conditioned out of emotional expression and connection (See Judy Chu’s When Boys Become Boys) and slotted into our dominance-based culture of masculinity. A culture which breaks boys’ joyful human connection, leaving us all to deal the kind of men we become.
While we must hold men accountable to break out of the Man Box, it is offers of compassion and community that will enable us to successfully do so. And it is also compassion in raising boys that will protect little boys’ joyfully human expression and connection, insuring they don’t fall prey to Man Box culture in the first place.
The Let’s Begin podcast on Raising Boys Differently is here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lets-begin-with-jenna-arnold/id1763927142?i=1000676916840
