Expressing Platonic Love for Women is Radical Social Action
For men, earning the privilege of doing so requires work that can take years.
There are powerful silencing prohibitions for the male expression of platonic love in Man Box culture: #1) Tell a male friend you love him, “you might be gay.” (homophobia) #2) Only tell a woman friend you love her if you’re hitting on her (sexism). Man Box culture isolates us by insistently framing platonic love as sexual. The harm this has done is immense.
In the case of women’s lives, changing this will only ever happen at the interpersonal level, case by case. Women have clear reasons for distrusting men’s expressions of platonic love. We have to build trust individually and ask women for clear consent for our expression of platonic love. But doing this work is a radical social action.
It is a radical social action because it requires commitment and energy of us as men to connect and hear what’s going on in the lives of the women we know. Likely over the course of years. We have to ask “What are you comfortable with?” And then we have to listen to the painful stories that will likely arise.
Then, when our request for consent results on a “no” or even a turning away, we have to resist the almost automatic urge to become defensive. To have seemingly misread the relationship even in terms of platonic love can be deeply embarrassing. Which is why men either fear going there at all or quickly resort to anger.
What is most damaging, is the real and present danger to women of the “nice guy.” A man who expresses friendship and then seeks to bulldoze past boundaries and claim rights of intimacy. When rebuffed, he becomes instantly hostile and rageful. That guy is the one we’re up against.
Earning the privilege of expressing platonic love to women friends requires work that can take a lifetime; undoing the impact of our dominance-based culture of masculinity which is trauma inducing and trauma informed for women and non-binary people. Given that context, men have no rights here.
Women and non-binary people need male friends who can co-create communities of platonic love and support. As men, we need this even more. Loneliness is at epidemic levels for us. We are literally dying from lack of real connection and community. But those of us men seeking to create loving communities have a lot of harm to undo.
We must go carefully brothers. Not shy away from this work. We are tasked with undoing the harm that continues to be done to women/non binary people all around us. We must listen more carefully perhaps than we ever have, and never, NEVER push past boundaries. Or we will do irreparable harm.
Two crucial points: 1) It’s not lost on me that I likely have some glaring blind spots in this article. Let me know what I’m missing. 2) For those of us men in intimate heterosexual relationships, an equal commitment to listening/respecting boundaries is required. No less will do.
That said, I dedicate this to my many sisters in this work, whose trust I hope I have earned, and whose faith in me I hope to maintain. You are all top of mind as I write this.
I have written several books on masculinity. For folks who want to learn more about the issues in this thread, I recommend my book The Little #MeToo Book for Men. All books, podcasts, Youtube videos and more are here: http://linktr.ee/RemakingManhood
