Interrupting Man Box Culture in Couples Therapy

How many different ways does our dominance-based culture of masculinity show up in our relationships?

For years, Dr. Saliha Bava and I have been doing workshops on how Man Box culture shows up in couples therapy. Now, we’re announcing a four part monthly consultation group beginning Sept 13th.

Register now: https://bit.ly/CT-24-Reg

Learn more: https://salihabava.com/consultation-group/

The ways in which our dominance-based culture of masculinity shows up in men in the process of couples therapy is only the beginning.

The generations old rules of Man Box culture have long forced a narrow and brittle gender binary on heterosexual couples. It enforces very clear roles that men are expected to play in a marriage and universally values those roles above the roles it forces on women.

For men, the rules of Man Box culture include don’t show your emotions except anger, be a breadwinner never a caregiver, be tough never ask for help, talk to other men about sports or cars never anything deep, be heterosexual not homosexual, and have control over women and girls.

And while boys are trained to aspire to an emotionally stoic, dominance-based, hyper-masculine version of masculinity beginning in infancy, girls beginning at a young age are conditioned to admire that in men.

Meanwhile every cultural, social, educational, economic, political and legal structure and system is changing. Because women and non-binary folks are fighting for and gaining political and economic independence, the primary mechanisms of Man Box cultural control over women are collapsing.

At the same time, millions of men are fed up with the narrow bullying hierarchy of Man Box culture. Millions of men are now full-time primary parents, doing our men’s work to create a healthy masculinity of expression and connection, committed to equity in our professional lives.

There is no place in which our rapidly shifting landscape of cultural, systemic and structural change is more clearly visible than in heterosexual couples’ relationships. This is the work in couples therapy. Not only in terms of how men show up, but in terms of how women show up, and yes, how therapists show up as well.

Take the following study, for example. It reveals how complex our relationship is to patriarchal ideas, even as we struggle to break out of systems that today are fostering a war on women’s most basic human rights.

From the Harvard Business Review 2018: “New research reveals that men perceived as less self-promoting and more collaborative and power-sharing are evaluated by both men and women as less competent (and, not incidentally, less masculine).” https://hbr.org/2018/10/how-men-can-become-better-allies-to-women

So, let’s take a minute with that. Read it twice. What we see is the degree to which many women may have internalized ideas foundational to our Man Box Culture of masculinity. Ideas which they don’t actually agree with, but which still drive unconscious bias about men.

And that’s just one example of the vast intersectionality of rapidly evolving cultural influences that drives how patriarchal Man Box culture shows up in couple’s therapy. Quickly get’s interesting, doesn’t it?

Then there’s the question of how therapists might be influenced by their own internalized views of Man Box cultural norms. If we expect men to not show their emotions, to not speak as much as the women, do we unknowingly set conditions for that to be the case?

In defining the work my partner Dr. Saliha Bava notes, “Couples are often caught in the grip of dominance-based masculine culture. This whirlpool can draw the therapist in on the side of fairness, splitting us and creating non-therapeutic alignment.”

And this is where I step back.

This is the deeper work of our consultation group which Saliha is expertly experienced in. She invites therapists to “explore practices for resistance, realignment and reframing to remain in therapeutic alignment.” Learn more here: https://salihabava.com/consultation-group/

Saliha Bava’s book The Relational Workplace includes her Relational Discursive Loop, which participants will use “to keep grounded amidst the polarizing impact of interlocking systems of dominance in couple’s relationships.” It’s fascinating work. I stand in awe of her skill.

If you are a therapist who would like to explore “Interrupting Man Box Culture in Couples Therapy” register now. Our first monthly session will be on Sept. 13th. Please register by Sept. 1

Learn more: https://salihabava.com/consultation-group/

Register: https://bit.ly/CT-24-Reg

Questions? Contact drbava (at) gmail.com

In closing, let me share some participant responses from a past workshop.